Are You Brave Or Are We Brave Together?

Last night I was riding the train from NYC to upstate where my dad lives. My iPhone was dead so I couldn't listen to music or browse Twitter and it was dark outside so I couldn't stare blankly out of the window. So naturally I decided to take this "free" time and talk to God. I always keep a notebook in my purse incase I need to write stuff down and more times that not this notebook gets filled with snippets of thoughts and ideas that I have as well as lists of scriptures followed by my own personal commentary.

On the 1.5-hour train ride home I had plenty of time so I pulled out my notebook and began to read through some very encouraging scriptures. As I read the dated entries I noticed something that sparked a question in my mind having to do with bravery.

About a year ago I attended a Women's Conference in Dallas. Normally I'm not the kind of person that would dig an event like this (too many women in one room give me the shakes) but I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun I had. At this conference there was a chocolate fountain, a dance party, and I got to hang with a bunch of my friends...It was kind of like being at a club. Anyways, during the course of that weekend the word bravery really stuck in my mind and I began praying about all of the areas of my life that require me to be brave. I remember having that anxious feeling that I get when I know I am going to have to make changes and lean completely on God for a strength that surpasses all understanding. I even wrote down several really inspiring scriptures that had me all pumped up to go out and be the next world changer. It all made sense; God was prepping me for something huge. Who knew, I was probably about to be "called" to Africa and asked to drop everything and leave everyone I know to go minister to the poor and sick.

Then life happened.

About six months ago my life took an unexpected, yet strangely expected, turn in a direction that I was not hoping for. As is the human way, I had begun to map out my future but I was strangely discontent with the direction I was leading myself. Big surprise, huh? I remember while in a moment of despair asking God to tell me what I needed to do and to give me the bravery I needed to do it. Then a lot of things changed and I had to take several deep breaths and decide whether I was going to collapse or keep moving forward. I remember hearing this question very clearly in mind, "Jessica, are you brave or are we brave together?" God was asking me in that moment if I was going to be brave on my own (aka-collapse) or if I was going to allow him to fill me up with the kind of bravery that doesn't falter, his bravery. In that time God confirmed what I already knew to be true- that I serve a God who gives me not just brute strength but glorious inner strength. It was one of the most magical times of my life.

On the train as I was reading through my notebook I was reliving several of these memories and I began to wonder what it would have been like if I had closed the gap between the time that God was speaking to me at the conference and when he was speaking to me only a few months ago. Would I have saved myself from some pain, some unhappy moments? Would I be all the wiser, the braver? Nobody can really know.

What I do know is this: I am wimpy, I am shy, I do not like conflict, and I do not like not knowing what is next or when things are going to happen. However, I've learned that God has made a safe place for me. In this place I can trust him to give me a boldness, a strength, a sort of bravery that should make me proud to travel through hardships, trial, and uncertainty because I know that through this bravery and boldness comes freedom.

And when we live in the freedom that God has for us-

everything changes.